so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
