My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
