Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
