I can text with my tongue
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
