Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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