I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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