I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
