You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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