doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
