I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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