Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
