Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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