I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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