i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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