you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
