Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
