Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
