There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
