I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
