when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
