U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize