If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
