We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
