Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
