It's like a parade of train wrecks.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
