GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
