i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he thought i was a dude.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
