I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
