Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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