He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize