i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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