i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
