If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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