Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
