Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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