i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
