I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
