fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im drinking this country out of the recession.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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