she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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