The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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