I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
