She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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