two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize