Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
