My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
