i would punch a child for taco bell
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
