I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
