Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize