The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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