it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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