a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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