I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
