If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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