you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
