i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize