Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
