The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
